The idea of having sexual adventures involving other people while still maintaining a strong relationship with your partner understandably appeals to many, but these arrangements must be entered with care. One of the best tips for first-time swingers is to learn about swinging, what it can look like, and how to do it in a considerate manner.
So, in the interest of arming you with information on how to be a swinger, here are 10 things experienced swingers wish they knew before engaging in what's commonly known as "the lifestyle."
» Want to meet a potential third partner? Check out our top picks for the best dating sites and apps.
1. Swinging Can Look Different to Different People
Two people who say they want to engage in swinging could mean two totally different things. For instance, one person might mean they want to bring in another person for a threesome, while another might want to engage in partner-swapping (where you have sex with someone and your partner has sex with their partner) or take on additional partners on their own.
Make sure to have a conversation with your partner about what exactly each of you wants.
2. The Most Common Way for Swingers to Meet Is Online
In one 2009 study, 72% of swingers said they found other swingers online. Nowadays, there are apps specifically geared toward swingers and other people in non-monogamous relationships, such as Feeld and Open.
If you are not yet in a relationship and want a partner who would be open to engaging in swinging down the line, you can also describe your preferred relationship style on more mainstream apps.
» Check out eharmony, OurTime, or any of the best senior dating sites to find other swingers online.
3. There Are Specific Places for Swingers to Meet in Person
You don't have to meet your partners online; you can have lots of fun at in-person settings specifically for swingers and other sexually open people, such as sex parties and clothing-optional resorts.
A good place to start is to google sex clubs in your area or look for Meetup groups around swinging, non-monogamy, or sex positivity.
4. Not All Swingers Deal With Jealousy
About one-third of swingers in one study said jealousy had been a problem for them, while the other two-thirds said it actually hadn't. This is probably because both people are happy with the arrangement when a couple decides to engage in swinging. So, don't assume the worst will happen!
5. Some Do, Though
Still, if you do experience jealousy, that doesn't mean you've failed at swinging. It just means you may need to talk to your partner about where the jealousy came from and how it can be avoided in the future, whether that means no more swinging or making some minor adjustments.
6. Swingers Have Their Own Lingo
If you're new to swinging, prepare to learn a whole new language. Just a few terms to look up if you want to know how to get into swinging are hotwifing, cuckolding, and stag and vixen.
A unicorn in dating, one of the most common terms you'll hear, is someone who will join a couple for anywhere from one night to their entire lives.
» Learn more: A Complete Guide to Online Dating Slang for Clueless Singles
7. Swinging May Not Look the Way It Does in Your Fantasies
Plenty of people fantasize about multi-person sex but don't be surprised if you encounter some awkwardness or things don't go according to plan. Nerves may arise, and that's OK if you all take things slowly and have a sense of humor.
» Check out these tips for feeling in the moment during sex if you anticipate getting anxious.
8. You Never Have to Do Anything You’re Uncomfortable With
This is true whether you're a swinger or not, but since feelings of obligation can come up in non-monogamous relationships, it bears repeating. Identifying as swingers doesn't mean you have to be OK with every extra-marital (or extra-relationship) activity your partner proposes, nor do you have to let your partner do something just because you did it to "even the score."
You are never under any obligation to do anything or let your partner do anything you're not comfortable with.
9. You Don’t Have to Do Everything All at Once
If you want to dip your toes into the world of swinging, you can attend a sex club with your partner and play together in front of other people before venturing into the territory of including others in your sex life.
When you're ready to bring other people in, you can also take that slowly by going on a date or engaging in activities like cuddling or kissing before actually having sex with another person.
» Learn more: 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Sleeping with Someone on the First Date
10. Swinging Won't Fix Your Relationship
Some people get into swinging because they think it'll reignite the passion between them and their partner—and it very well could provide that extra excitement.
However, if you and your partner are experiencing problems like arguing or incompatibility, swinging isn't going to change that and could even exacerbate the issues you're already facing. First, strengthen your relationship, and then think about opening it.
What to Remember
Swinging can be an amazing way to broaden your horizons sexually and emotionally. To ensure that it strengthens your relationship rather than hurting it, make sure you and your partner agree on what you're doing, have a solid foundation of trust, and aren't pressuring each other into anything.
It's only fun if it's fun for everyone, so check in each step of the way to make sure that's the case.
» More: 10 Polyamorous Relationship Rules You Won’t Know Until You’re in One
