But, as you reconsider your choices for the gazillionth time, you are sure of one thing; the months on Zoosk paid off, and you met your ideal partner! You groomed every part of your body because your gut feeling tells you; tonight is the night!
So how do you make sure that you will cherish every moment, every touch, and every kiss and not turn into a bundle of nerves?
1. Eye contact
Eyes are the window to the soul. I’ve heard many stories of people escaping a date due to a lack of eye contact. Let’s face it. Eye contact is attention and a compliment that makes people feel appreciated.
If you want to feel your partner’s soul, try this trick next time you look into their eyes. As you look into the eyes, relax your gaze and try to see their soul. Then, focus your right eye on their left and truly connect. Finally, pretend that your eyes are listening and perceiving the desires of their soul — and breathe. The feeling is akin to feeling more exposed than naked, but there’s nothing more beautiful than the vulnerability of your partner taking the time to look at you, whether at dinner or while making love.
Your entire evening is foreplay, so slow down. Enjoy the oysters and champagne. Luxuriate in what’s about to happen and enjoy every moment. Remember, anticipation and being present is the key. Do you feel him touching your leg? Enjoy and don’t feel that you need to reciprocate right away. How do your partner’s skin and touch feel? How slowly is he moving? Depending on how adventurous you may be, your repertoire can be incredibly extensive or simply comprehensive. If you are the kinky type and your partner is on board, you can share your fantasies and start your foreplay (and dinner) with intriguing conversation.
As you proceed to the car, you can joke; you can be sensual, sexy, or intense. Do what feels natural and take your time — touch and enjoy each other as if it’s your last day on earth. Experiment, kiss slowly, softly, passionately, and most of all perceive each other with every sense you have.
3. Feel your skin
Feeling present is a huge turn-on. You can practice by yourself. Start by undressing and laying down. Relax and take a few long breaths. Relax your scalp and feel as it tingles as you let go. Relax your forehead, facial muscles, eyes, tongue and feel the heat in your mouth. Relax your chest and feel the air vibrating against your skin. Proceed to your stomach and see how the air feels there. Relax your thighs, knees, and ankles. Follow with your toes, soles, and heels. As you lay there, take a long breath, exhale long and visualize yourself on a beach. The sun warms your skin as you feel its rays tickling you. The water laps against your body, lightly caressing you. The weather is perfect.
Next time you are with your significant other, try relaxing the same way and feeling all sensations on your body (just like in the meditation). Savor every touch.
4. Slow down
You went through the rat race of dating apps, messaging, ghosting, and being ghosted. Then, finally, you discovered quality apps, like eharmony. Now is the time to stop and smell the roses.
Yes, this may come as a shock, but don’t be in a hurry to have sex. As you take your time, you will get increasingly aroused. Slow down your touch, kiss, and maximize all of your senses. How does it feel to touch their body with your lips, tongue, or face? What do you smell or taste when you approach your partner’s skin? Maybe ask for a dance or strip-tease so that you can concentrate your senses on your vision? Watch your partner’s body; watch the reactions and body language. Are they begging for you to kiss or touch them in a particular way? Oblige and enjoy giving each other pleasure.
Sometimes, the sexiest thing you can do is look into each other’s eyes and breathe together. Breathing helps with circulation, reduces stress, and helps you slow down. You can choose a few breathing exercises and practice daily to increase mindfulness, relax, and be more present. For example:
Relax and inhale for the count of four. Then, hold your breath for four, and exhale for four. Repeat for a minute.
Inhale for a count of four and exhale for a count of six. Exhale all the air and then, in a sharp puff, exhale any other air you may have in your lungs. Slowly repeat for a minute.
Your breath is a powerful tool that will make your entire body relax. So it's great to practice throughout the day.
6. Turn on the light
There’s nothing as sexy as someone comfortable in their skin. However (if you feel apprehensive), consider taking burlesque or pole-dancing lessons for the ladies. The movement will tone your body and increase your self-confidence. If burlesque is too risqué, go for dancing lessons. It makes for a great couple’s activity and improves body image.
Once ready, make love with the lights on, not just candlelight.
If you're feeling particularly sexy, consider a more elaborate performance with spotlights. It’s fun, and who doesn’t enjoy being the star of a show? Of course, any partner will appreciate a private performance, particularly if the clothing comes off slowly, piece by piece.
Whether you are a novice or a trained masseuse/r, a massage is incredibly sexy and always elevates the whole experience. There’s something very sexy in having someone cherish every bit of your body and stare at you while giving you a massage. So those of us who have body-image issues, do yourself a favor and forget about it, at least for a little bit. Instead, luxuriate in every sensation and caress.
For those not feeling like an award-winning masseuse, you may consider taking a course. Swedish massage, acupressure, and tantric are all great techniques to learn. To surprise your significant other, you can take classes by yourself or make it a couple’s activity!
8. Play a game or try something new
Did you ever try playing Truth or Dare in a restaurant? In the interest of fairness, make sure to outline any hard limits before you start. Not only will you get to know each other, but pushing your boundaries can be a tremendous aphrodisiac. Great questions can include asking (or getting a sneak peek) at each other’s lingerie, turn-ons, or incorporating props. For example, you can surprise your date with a lingerie set and ask them to go put it on in the bathroom. Then, as you progress and get more risqué, you won’t be able to wait till home to tear each other’s clothes off.
How about heading home to finish dessert? Imagine that you're wearing a blindfold the entire way home. Then, as you sit on the sofa, your partner feeds you your chocolate lava cake (bite by bite).
Remember, habit and routine are the enemies of excitement and romance.
9. Check in with your body and speak up (what you want)
Sometimes the sexiest thing you can do is to talk. Imagine sharing fantasies and opening up. Ask your partner what three things they always dreamt about and never did? Why not offer to make their dreams come true? What about you? Any secret fantasies? Do you like talking dirty? Sometimes embarrassment shuts our mouth, but did you ever hear of anyone making a deathbed confession that they were happy they didn’t take a risk? Unlikely.
Another great time to speak up is to tell them how much you enjoy their touch, where you like them to kiss, and anything else you would like them to do. Remember, sometimes, the best encouragement is a compliment, especially when your partner inspires your fantasies.
The key to being more present and connecting with your partner is giving. Ask yourself what your partner may enjoy. As you kiss their mouth, how do they respond? Do they get excited and speed up, or do they slow down and look for sensuality. While your partner’s reaction may differ every time, the key is to pay attention. How do they move when you touch them? What’s their reaction when you lick their body? At which point do they shiver? Get to know our partner’s body and learn the pleasure of giving.
Mindfulness is an effective tool
Sex and intimacy should be the high point of a relationship and not a source of anxiety. Intimacy is your reward for all those months you spent scouring the best dating apps online. As you start falling in love, this is a great time to slow down and nurture the relationship. Mindfulness is a great tool to help you enjoy life (and sex) to the fullest.